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Monday, June 06, 2011
I predict that this is going to be quite a long post. Somehow or rather, I hope that some of whom I'm gonna be directing the message to will read this and hopefully understand what I can't and hopefully enlighten me so that I don't feel what I'm not supposed to.
If this is not the avenue of which I can express my heartfelt concern, then I don't know what else is because if I were to text every single one of you, it will look like I am so desperate and you don't even get to see the whole picture. If I were to post this up on Facebook, which I am actually considering, then... I don't know, I don't think I'm prepared for the consequences. So it's still a 50-50. So I've decided to type everything out here...which I don't think anyone reads anymore... Then one day when I die (no, I'm not suicidal. We'll all die one day), I hope people understand why I do what I did.
So before you proceed, please read this with an open mind. I'm not deliberately being sarcastic or anything. Everything that I'm gonna mention are real, genuine and since. They mean well, and I'm not trying to make anyone mad. Really.
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...
I know we all have personal choices and all, but sometimes I just can't help but feel excluded. Obviously, I know some of you feel the same too. The natural exclusivity exists within the group. Among the friends, we have people whom we are closer to as compared to the rest, hence we choose to hang out with them more than the others.
I'd like to have that i-can't-be-bothered attitude and see the bonds that we had falter even greater, but I don't have the heart to. Sadly, not all of us feel that there was even a bond in the first place, and that everything that ever happened was just a phase. All of us met in JC, we hung out with each other for two years... if we're not called friends, then I don't know what else we should 'categorise' our connection as.
Yes I've made a mistake. A huge one. My greatest problem is being judgemental, but PLEASE, don't make it sound as if I'm the only one with this problem. Whatever I 'shared' online was never meant to hurt anyone or to bring anyone down cos 1) I never mentioned any names. 2) That incident happened because YOU GUYS talked about me. OK Yes, this blog post is getting rather too personal, I shall move away from it. Moving along....
THE POINT IS, I have never felt so... excluded and so outcasted. The very reason that I (and some others too) ever hold gatherings all these years is/was to bring all of us closer together. Well apparently some of us prefer 'quality' over 'quantity'. I don't know how you do that but from what I see some would wait for whom they call their 'quality' friends to call them up and have an intimate get-together session or two, whereas some... just keep to themselves. So some of us don't attend gatherings, sometimes even ignore invites... But it's okay, personal reasons perhaps.
So then it brings me to another point. Personal reasons, not necessarily towards me, but towards the whole idea of a gathering, or towards some other people whom they favour less, God knows. It's alright, I understand. Then one day I 'discovered' that I am apparently the 'leader' of the gang. Lea..der..WHUUUUT? then suddenly I have a whole responsibility on my shoulder. It's like being 'appointed' leader, am I not supposed to bring everyone closer together? I'm not trying to self-proclaim a title for myself, but this was really what happened. Many instances, some closer friends of mine would tell me, "just ignore that. you have a choice". Hell yes I do. So then I've decided that I shall stop organising any freakin' event that has got to do with ALL YOUR BIRTHDAYS (well except one or two which I had help from others since, hey we're friends after all.)
That's when I feel this way. Excluded. Outcasted. In order to celebrate your birthday with you, I need to organise it for you? Or else you just won't celebrate it with any other friends? ...Wait are we still your friends? Am I still your friend? OHHH hold on a minute. Now I'm the one getting all petty and paranoid. Then now I realised. I wanna be a part of everyone's life. And I wanna be a good part of everyone's life. But perhaps I don't deserve to be part of theirs because I'm not worthy of a 'friend' entitlement.
Yes I have been a bitch once or twice towards perhaps everyone due to the spur of the moment. But I swear, at the end of every bitchiness, the only feeling I can ever feel is remorse. Great remorse. Not just towards all of you, but towards God. Now, now don't start questioning my faith and religion. We have our dilemmas. We have our internal conflict and I have to face them during every single breathing moment of my life.
So in conclusion, I don't know whether I should keep trying to glue back the pieces which I feel have already been broken...or rather just 'cracked' drastically? Or just seriously ignore this and let everything be a memory of those days that we used to have. I can never thank every single one of you enough for being such a beautiful memory of my JC years and maybe a year or two after that. I guess most of us are moving on from that phase and perhaps some of us don't actually see the need for each other cause we've found people whom we're more comfortable with so let's just chuck aside those useless old friends. You tell me? Am I really this paranoid? Should I really ignore this and not do anything about it?
OH one more thing to add... if I have ever shown any form of exclusivity towards anyone, which I am trying to think of one, would probably a double date that I had with F & A and that was because it was A's and my birthday celebration and you guys were surprising us. And all the other gatherings that we had, I can safely say that 99% of the time, we invited everyone and you 1) ignored our sincere invite 2) just couldn't make it.
So I just wanna apologise if this is such a controversial and provocative post. I hope all of you read it but I'm too scared to ask you people to read this. I love all of you so dearly my friends, and I wish you all the best. May God bless all of us, always.
Blogged @ 7:33:00 PM